“Death Means Never Again”

Essay # 2

For those of us who are in the fall of our lives: If that special person is still beside you in bed, pay close attention! Read this essay slowly, stop at the end of each paragraph, and think! For one day, all too soon, one of you will be me.

“Never again will we share a special moment.”

Oh Sandra, as people begin reading this essay they may automatically think about their own special moments. Christmas morning. A Thanksgiving table, set just right.  Going to church on Easter Sunday.  An Anniversary dinner.  A kiss as “The” ball falls on New Years Eve. Celebrating birthdays. Oh yes, that special trip, one we will never forget.

I am sure many are thinking about those big moments. Remember, we called them “Hallmark Moments?” However, my love, death means they will never be the same.   Christmas. Birthdays. Anniversaries.  New Years. Easter. Thanksgiving. Never again. This is “Year Two.”  For some reason, those days are becoming darker…less meaningful. Certainly, I will make it through them because I know God has a plan for my remaining years.  I am growing a bit impatient. There must be a reason he has left me behind.

In the meantime, there is a greater hurt growing inside me. Greater than the ‘Oneness” of those “Hallmark Moments.” Those are the moments that never see a calendar or a card face. They are the personal and often intimate moments…only memories now. Sitting together looking at our wedding album. We were so young.  Our hands…they now show the years together.

All those romantic movies you have tapped. I remember the scene from “On Golden Pond” when Norman was so scared because he had forgotten his way back to the cabin and said, “There was nothing familiar. Not one damn thing! I came running back to you, to see your pretty face, you make me feel safe.” Then Ethel put her arms around his shoulders and said,” You’re safe you old poop.”  Every time we watch that movie, I would look at you, with slightly puckered lips and nod. You, a little smile. So many special movies we would watch on Friday night. Just can’t, not now. Maybe not never.

Remember when we were sitting in the garden one summer evening and a Monarch butterfly landed on my nose. I was frozen in time. Your eyes were the biggest brown I had ever seen.

Seeing you walking through the gardens, so tired and covered with the earth, arms full of peonies and daffodils. You were so happy!  You made me happy.

Just seeing you in the library, books all around, absorbed in your latest. So often, you would say, “Sit down!  I must share this.”

When you were writing your blog, “Where Inspiration Blooms,” You so enjoyed writing – flowers, beauty, and hope. It was such a special moment when you finished your very first story. You handed it to me and said, “Please read this over. Be honest!” Yes, I will publish it soon so people can read your first words under whereinspirationblooms.com. I will keep your website alive until I am no longer.

Oh Sandra, I will miss the big moments, the hurt will never leave. But, it is those small intimate moments that hurt “so good.”  Your touch.  The smell of your hair. That special moment when I would awake, you still asleep. So peaceful. I would roll over in the morning, kissing you…more than once. And smile. I would whisper, “I love you so much.”  You would shake your head and mumble, “Me too. Let me sleep a little longer.”    Yeah, there were times you would pull the covers over your head. However, there were the ‘other’ times.   Never again. Now, my dear, you can sleep…sleep.

That special bottle of wine we bought on the Anniversary of our homecoming in 2005.  It is beside many others in the wine cellar. All special. – named and dated. Waiting to be shared on a ‘special’ day – moment.   Now, I am alone with only one wine glass. How foolish we were.  Saving for a moment that will (now) never happen.

One of my favorite quotes, “Grief never ends…It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness…It is the price of love.”   At the darkest of days, while on this passage, I feel myself coming to the edge of grief’s cliff. As I look over and think…Then I feel your hand on my shoulder, “You have stayed too long. Not your time.”    Moments later, I see a path. Unclear, but I know I must continue my journey.

A journey with no hope of special moments, nor special places. But one message I will carry with me…to share with everyone when I stop, “Do not wait to share a special moment. That moment is today. For tomorrow never comes!”  Whenever I find one or more, I will say, “Someday, you will be ‘One’ …cherish those special intimate moments you created together. For the enormous grief you will feel when you are ‘One,’… that grief ‘Is the price of love.”

Yes Sandra, I know this message has been rambling and a times a boat without a rudder, but this is how I feel… a rambling man with no particular place to go. But I will keep walking.

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For Those Still “Two:” Make those big moments memorable,  but pour heart into those special intimate moments. Those will be the ones that will ‘hurt so good’ and carry you through your next journey. Whatever you are saving for a special time…that time is now!

That’s all folks! 

Looking forward to your comments.

Mike