Ch 3
I Know How He Feels
“I know I am not alone…but I am alone”
God, I hope you are listening? God…are you there? Oh well, here goes anyway. It has been said many times you never place more on one’s shoulders then they can bear. Please take another look at me because , “I know how he feels.” My knees are becoming weaker day-by-day.
“Sandra has been with you a little over a month now and I am not doing very good. Setting a table for one is not how I thought it would be.” The loneliness, especially in the morning and late in the evening is becoming unbearable. I put up a good front to friends because I have always been a pretty fair actor.
I thought I was prepared for her leaving but I was not, not even close. I feel like this is a bad dream, a dream from which I cannot wake. I walk around the house talking to her all the time, “Sandra, what do you think? Is this right? I need your advice.”
I have not only lost my wife of over 50 years, I have also lost my safety net. I have no one to talk with that understands me, with all my flaws.
Every decision is now on my shoulders. The cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping…all on my shoulders. Sandra, “Paying the bills was something you did, with my role as simple as it can get – hand you the mail. Yes, I know, I did much of this in the final year or two, but you were there to talk with and keep me between the white lines.”
“I have always enjoyed cooking and got pretty good at it, with your help.” However, this last month, the joy is gone. I slowly realized the real joy in cooking was not eating well prepared meals. The real joy was sharing a meal and a good wine. Now, I force myself to prepare a full meal every night, often cooking what will last two or three days. “Oh Sandra, how I miss those special things you baked and the French meals you prepared. I miss you asking me to take that cheesecake from the oven, or lifting the Dutch oven from the stove.” The weight of those ‘misses,’ they are not getting lighter, just the opposite.
Within a two-week period, when I went to the mail slot I found insurance papers, Social Security, and retirement letters, dental, and vision, and other legal inquiries. Some asked for death certificates. Others just offered condolences, along with, ‘Please send…”If it was not enough (emotionally) loosing someone I have been with since I was 16, I now have to deal with the cold legality of death. The knees gave a little more.
“Sandra, then, came the third Sunday without you. I remembered when you said, ‘When I get a little better, we’ll go to Minard’s and the Clique Club for dinner, like we used to.’ When you get better? Well, I will keep those dates and I will ask for a place setting for two and order you a glass of Chardonnay. When the wine arrives, I lift my glass and say, ’Santé!’ Your Chardonnay will remain on the table as I leave, in case you want it for later.” Eating alone…is so heavy.
The weight of never hearing her voice again, in this life, only adds more heaviness. “That is why I walk around the gardens and our home talking to you. Hoping for a word or two from Heaven. I look to the back window, the window you so often yelled gardening instructions or, ‘Mike, time to quit, you’ve done enough. Remember your back!” Hearing your voice in our next life is the one thing that will keep me between the white lines. Probably the only thing right now. For, I never imagined emptiness would weigh so much.
Yes, ‘One’ is not only the loneliest number,” it is also the heaviest.
Yeah, I know exactly how the man in the photo feels, “The world is on my shoulders and my knees are weakening.” Whether I gain the strength to stand straight and strong once again, only God knows. Meanwhile, I will put on a good show.
I realize many who read this have recently or in the deep past, shouldered a similar weight. We all deal with it in our own way, some in positive and some in destructive ways. I am not sure which road I will eventually travel, but right now, as was often said in the past, ‘putting pen to paper’ is my way of healing, at least I hope so. And, in some small way, it may help others heal.
Enough for today! I have a garden to tend
And finally, Sandra, “Remember, I love you more,”…Mike